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Some questions:

What are the effects on the baby when the mother smokes while pregnant?

Are there long term effects on the baby when the mother smoked?

What are the effects of secondhand smoking?

What medical conditions can be worsened if someone smokes?

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Essay 3

In “All Joy and No Fun,” the author Jennifer Senior describes her opinion on parenting and its negative effects on parents. Full of highs and lows, and she describes that well when remembering a moment of time with her son as being “in a state of pair bonded bliss; now I was guided by nerves, trawling the cabinets for alcohol.” She believes that parenting is something we choose, and yet seems to be something we cannot live without.

Children are looked at as “subjects to be sculpted, stimulated, instructed, groomed,” in this high stake modernized world. This pressure to create the perfect child with the perfect future is making parenting more of a job than years before. She believes that mothers and fathers are comparing the way they are parenting to the ways of others; and because of this, they believe they are doing the wrong thing. This worsens with the fact that more couples are waiting longer to have children. They have been professionals, and expect that they should perfect the act of parenting. As a result of waiting, their higher expectations about having children ends up disappointing them. They no longer can enjoy the carefree open schedules that they’ve had for so long.

This leads to the fact that parents who have more money are less happy than those with less money. Hans-Peter Kohler, a sociology professor at the University of Pennsylvania states that “countries with stronger welfare systems produce more children- and happier parents.” With this option, parents no longer have to worry about high health care costs, daycare, or even education costs.

Although the author argues strong points, I do not agree with her main point that parents are less happy than nonparents, based on my personal experience. Most of her research included in her essay was about why parents are unhappy, but I think they may not have been happy before they had children. It is my opinion that children give parents a reason to strive for something better; to make their lives and their children’s lives richer. All the smiles, kisses, and hugs erase the mess they may have made, or the lamp that was knocked over.

I agree with Jennifer that loving the act of parenting and loving one’s kids are two separate things. However, I don’t think parenting is what is making parents unhappy. The studies she included in her article make the assumption that the parents were happy before they had children. I think there are many other stressors in their lives, and they may already be aggravated when they come home to their children. Having a short fuse makes any broken vase, or stained shirt a little more dramatic. I liked how she included some studies showing that people with children were happier than those without. Especially because before I had my child I was unhappy most days and after I had her I noticed that I am barely ever unhappy. I realized that parenting is something that’s trial and error. It’s something that can be stressing if you try too hard to be the perfect parent, and let every little obstacle bother you. In my opinion, the essay was rather confusing and I didn’t like the structure. I also don’t agree with most of the findings, and think that there are more factors that make people happy as individuals rather than parents.

Ethnography Rough Draft

As I arrived at my friend’s home, I realized that he would be the one to change my mind on stereotypes. He walks out of his front door wearing blue jean shorts, a plain blue tank top, and white sneakers. A typical schedule for Antonio, a 30 year old father, is as busy as can be expected when taking care of a one year old. Waking up in a different household, he gets ready for the day early. First, he makes sure she has eaten and has a fresh diaper, completely confidently and anything but hesitantly. Then, he loads her up into her stroller and takes her for a walk. Kicking and smiling, she seems to enjoy the alone time with her daddy. That is how a typical day gets started, unless it rains.

All day long he plays with her. His favorite game to play is what he calls monster. He hides behind the couch and when she ecstatically turns the corner, he jumps forward and growls at her. He says it’s his favorite because, “she laughs and jumps,” at him. Making sure she is fed, has a clean diaper, and is happy, is his first priority. She loves the attention he gives her and it is heart-warming seeing him play with her.

In between the playing and feeding, I got a chance to get a word in. When I asked if he had any regrets, he paused for a moment. As he went to speak, I could tell he was a little ashamed. His regrets included not finishing school, not having a career to support his family, having a temper occasionally and not listening to his mother. Watching him play assured me that there are many sides to him.

As the day was slowly passing, it was time for some games for daddy. As he sits down to play his favorite game on his computer, World of Warcraft, she sleepily walks toward him. Picking up her teddy bear, she sits in his lap and watches him as he performs his favorite unwinding ritual. Having to give up going out with his friends when he became a father, he fell into the gaming phase. Thinking that was pretty typical for a guy his age, I understood how he felt about wanting to find something else to keep him occupied. However, I figured most guys would do anything but give up their friendships and guys nights out for their children.

It wasn’t long before she became bored and acted as if there were ants in her pants. After all, she is only a year old. He quickly gave up his game to soothe her tired little self in his arms. Then laid her in her crib and snuggled her real close with her blankets and teddy. The cutest father-daughter moment I have gotten to experience. As he quietly crept out of her room, he looked back and smiled at his precious sleeping beauty.

As he had some spare time to relax, I couldn’t help but to ask more. I learned that his favorite place to calm down is by the water where he can watch the boats. It is more relaxing to him when he goes there during a thunder storm. Thunder seems to soothe him and take away his stresses, which was stunning because it makes me nervous. He loves to sit and watch the waves crash against the land as the clouds roll in. Sitting alone on the grass, he enjoys the time alone to collect his thoughts and think about his plans for the future. He often finds himself thinking of ways to go back to school and make a career in computers, so he can ultimately buy a house. He wants a big yard so he can chase his kids around and make them laugh.

His favorite possessions include his car, because as he says, it gets him from point a to point b. Video games are also something he cherishes; they allow him to escape from reality when things in life get tough. Interestingly, he says his girlfriend and their daughter are among his possessions. I had to joke with him about that, because girlfriends and children shouldn’t be referred to as possessions. To him, they are his most important and valuable belongings.

There was a rumble in the bedroom as she awoke. He ran without hesitating to go get her. I could hear him as he talks to her. “Look at you Little Miss Bed Head!” he laughed. Then I heard a loud sound that I associated with him giving her “raspberries.” She squealed in excitement as he carries her back downstairs. Smiles illuminating both faces.

The entire time I have spent with Antonio and his beautiful daughter, I experienced a change of opinion. Like many others who have heard the father stereotypes, I was a little skeptical when I found out he was a stay at home dad. Many think that they are incapable, hesitant, and want nothing more than to hand the child off to the mother figure. From my father’s experience, all the stereotypes seemed true. Never had he changed a diaper, bathed any children, fed them or played with them. He seemed consumed with his social life and having a good time. Watching Antonio made me realize that stereotypes cannot be stuck on every individual. He did not fit the mold, and seemed to care about the well being of his daughter even over his own well being. Playing with her more than I have ever seen a father play with their child, and wanting nothing more than for her to be happy.

Overcoming My Fear

Throughout my life I have been afraid to fail in the minds of the people close to me. I hated to tell them something I knew would not make them happy, or that would upset them. Even after I moved into my apartment with my boyfriend, I always made sure things went right. I cared too much about what people think, and how people feel.

One day I had an awful headache when I woke up, so I called in sick from work. I used to get headaches frequently, but thought that I had grown out of those episodes. I slept most of the morning, and after taking my migraine medication I had felt a little better. Although I noticed that I felt a little strange. I was pregnant, and instantly got butterflies in my stomach. How would I tell my boyfriend? We’ve been together for a while, but just moved in with each other. Would he be mad? How would we tell my parents?

The rest of the day I tried to stay busy and keep my mind off the subject. I prepared my favorite dinner, rewashed the windows that were just washed, redusted the living room, and made brownies. Knowing that my boyfriend would be home soon, I tried to figure out how I would tell him. The butterflies became strong birds trying to escape through my stomach, I have never been so nervous in my entire life. I knew he cared about me, and hoped he wouldn’t decide to change his mind. I knew too many girls who have had their boyfriends walk away from them and their child. I had no idea what I would do if I was forced to be a single parent. That was my worst fear.

Finally, I heard his car hum by the window as he pulled into his parking space. My heart was beating out of my chest. I breathed deep a few times. The key slid into the lock on the door, and as I tried telling myself things would be okay, the door opened.

I gave him a hug and tried to act as normal as possible. I forgot what normal was. Apparently, I wear my emotions on my sleeve because he could tell I had something on my mind. I tried to convince him that I was fine, and I was just bored all day by myself. So I finished dinner, shaking as I grabbed the plates from the cabinet. I couldn’t eat much. There was too much fear inside me.

As we were sitting on the couch together watching TV, I decided to try to talk to him to see how he feels about children. He loves kids, doesn’t think he wants them. So my nervous situation turned worse in the matter of seconds. My palms were sweaty and my heart was palpitating in a way it never had before.

He looked at me, and I could tell he was thinking. He must have put my nervousness and my question together to make sense of it. “Are you pregnant?” he asked. I was so anxious I said no. Then I began asking him questions like, “but if I was, it wouldn’t be the end of the world, right?” I heard what I wanted to hear.

“No,” he said, “it wouldn’t but we would have a lot to talk about.” So I looked at him. Knowing that he pretty much knew already, I told him I was pregnant. Suddenly my nerves calmed down, I could breathe again. We held hands and took a minute for him to soak in the news. He was happy, and nervous, a perfectly normal reaction.

My nervous situation could have been avoided, as I can now say as I look back on it. I worried too much on how he would think, causing myself to panic. I understand now, as I have had a few more experiences like this one that things don’t usually turn out in the horrific way I expect them to. Some things take time to comprehend, but I don’t need to worry myself about the way people are going to react. I also have grown to realize that I shouldn’t care about what people think either. I just have to live my life and make my own decisions the way I think I should.

It was this experience that made it easier for me to overcome my last obstacle. I had to tell my parents that I am pregnant again, while living at their home with my then 6 month old daughter. Every situation and experience can be overcome without my fear now. I have never felt better!