Throughout my life I have been afraid to fail in the minds of the people close to me. I hated to tell them something I knew would not make them happy, or that would upset them. Even after I moved into my apartment with my boyfriend, I always made sure things went right. I cared too much about what people think, and how people feel.
One day I had an awful headache when I woke up, so I called in sick from work. I used to get headaches frequently, but thought that I had grown out of those episodes. I slept most of the morning, and after taking my migraine medication I had felt a little better. Although I noticed that I felt a little strange. I was pregnant, and instantly got butterflies in my stomach. How would I tell my boyfriend? We’ve been together for a while, but just moved in with each other. Would he be mad? How would we tell my parents?
The rest of the day I tried to stay busy and keep my mind off the subject. I prepared my favorite dinner, rewashed the windows that were just washed, redusted the living room, and made brownies. Knowing that my boyfriend would be home soon, I tried to figure out how I would tell him. The butterflies became strong birds trying to escape through my stomach, I have never been so nervous in my entire life. I knew he cared about me, and hoped he wouldn’t decide to change his mind. I knew too many girls who have had their boyfriends walk away from them and their child. I had no idea what I would do if I was forced to be a single parent. That was my worst fear.
Finally, I heard his car hum by the window as he pulled into his parking space. My heart was beating out of my chest. I breathed deep a few times. The key slid into the lock on the door, and as I tried telling myself things would be okay, the door opened.
I gave him a hug and tried to act as normal as possible. I forgot what normal was. Apparently, I wear my emotions on my sleeve because he could tell I had something on my mind. I tried to convince him that I was fine, and I was just bored all day by myself. So I finished dinner, shaking as I grabbed the plates from the cabinet. I couldn’t eat much. There was too much fear inside me.
As we were sitting on the couch together watching TV, I decided to try to talk to him to see how he feels about children. He loves kids, doesn’t think he wants them. So my nervous situation turned worse in the matter of seconds. My palms were sweaty and my heart was palpitating in a way it never had before.
He looked at me, and I could tell he was thinking. He must have put my nervousness and my question together to make sense of it. “Are you pregnant?” he asked. I was so anxious I said no. Then I began asking him questions like, “but if I was, it wouldn’t be the end of the world, right?” I heard what I wanted to hear.
“No,” he said, “it wouldn’t but we would have a lot to talk about.” So I looked at him. Knowing that he pretty much knew already, I told him I was pregnant. Suddenly my nerves calmed down, I could breathe again. We held hands and took a minute for him to soak in the news. He was happy, and nervous, a perfectly normal reaction.
My nervous situation could have been avoided, as I can now say as I look back on it. I worried too much on how he would think, causing myself to panic. I understand now, as I have had a few more experiences like this one that things don’t usually turn out in the horrific way I expect them to. Some things take time to comprehend, but I don’t need to worry myself about the way people are going to react. I also have grown to realize that I shouldn’t care about what people think either. I just have to live my life and make my own decisions the way I think I should.
It was this experience that made it easier for me to overcome my last obstacle. I had to tell my parents that I am pregnant again, while living at their home with my then 6 month old daughter. Every situation and experience can be overcome without my fear now. I have never felt better!
